|Guy Code Guidelines
1. When at the movie theater with another man, you must have one empty seat between both men.
2. All Women are fair game unless a Contract of Property exists. However, if you are a citizen from another country then honoring a foreign contract is a gray area.
3. Unless a guy friend banged your girlfriend who stole your power saw, you must bail a him out of jail within 24 hours but are not expected to post bail with your own money.
4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down
in a Tijuana crack house", "one time when we were all shit stained undies drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest Adams apple you ever saw".
5. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella unless your brother is actually gay.
6. A man shall never apologize or explain why he never called another man back unless you are in Las Vegas.
7. No man should EVER sit on another man's lap.
8. A man should never touch another man's car radio unless having verbal permission.
9. It is not okay to dance with dudes.
10. No man may ever get a foot massage from another man.
11. Every man must know the difference between a flat head and a Phillips head screwdriver.
12. Don’t ask a woman where she wants to eat, just tell her where she is going to eat.
13. A man must be able to open a jar at any risk or he forfeits his rights as a guy.
14. A hug between men must always start with a handshake and can at no point become a two-arm embrace unless you are a veteran.
15. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait until she gets there is you are to ever want to have Sex with her again.
16. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
17. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is sketchy)
18. While your girlfriend must bond with your guy friend’s girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her girlfriend’s boyfriends. They are typically whipped and defeated men anyway
19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
20. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies, as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time. This does not apply to random women during open season.
21. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
22. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response. If that is the case then you are Goose and Goose is dead. Rent Top Gun
23. If you catch your girlfriend cheating on your "GUY" friend (aka your homeboy) you are permitted to blackmail her to avoid telling your friend. The blackmail can involve blow jobs but not sex. When a girl cheats, she is no longer considered off limits because she is a skank tank of whorish nastiness that must be used as a receptacle of boot glue deposits. However, once you get your fill then you turn her in.
24. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a random girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.
25. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.
26. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year
27. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, feel the heat around the corner and walk away in 30 seconds flat.
28. The only time ditching a buddy for a girl is acceptable, is when the girl ranks 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. Actually, as long as they are not fat you can pass over a friend for ass as long as you take pictures as proof of purchase.
29. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.
30. No man will ever publicly admit to his friends about watching a movie where the main theme is dancing, but what brothers don’t know won’t hurt them.
31. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry is when a heroic dog dies to save his master, when an officer or king leads men into battle with swords drawn, any military battle movie, when your date eats all of the milk duds etc.
32. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.
33. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body unless you are in sexual conquest mode.
34. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need to bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.
35. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of Family Guy or any Rocky movie.
36. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces left over after assembling a store bought item. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.
37. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit, do not wear tighty whities. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.
38. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night unless is pacing himself to wait for a girl to pass out.
39. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress without a divider.
40. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.
41. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it in life. For example, if you go through the drive through and your friend hands you a 20.00 for a 5.99 meal, it’s his responsibility to get his change back not yours. After all you are looking through your order to see if they got it right.
42. Never eat another man’s French fries or tater tots ever.
43. If your friend says "suck my balls" as a way to put you down, don't try to be funny by saying "OK" and moving your head towards his crotch, two Homosexual references in a row are just plain scary...
44. If you say ouch, you are a pussy! Say “OH FUCK”, “SHIT”, “GOD DAMN IT” if you don’t want to offend your god say, “ALLAH DAMN IT”
45. If you're a guy and you wear flip flops, do not let the back of the flop smack your heel loudly. That's what chicks do to get attention.
46. If another man offers you a free steak even though you have already eaten you must accept the steak, you will regret it later.
47. If someone keeps buying you drinks you must keep drinking.
48. You can not directly ask another man about his daughter or sister but cousin is acceptable unless you are from Johnston County NC.
49. It is perfectly acceptable to refuse sex if it involved you having to go down on a girl first in order to get yours if you are not in the mood.
50. If you know The World's Most Awkward Man you are required to send
updates and stories about him.
51. A guy must never go behind another guy's back and talk to his mother, wife or girlfriend about any problem he has with the other. Any guy who willfully does this loses his guy status and earns the title of "bitch" for the rest of his life.